Friday, June 30, 2006

A Review...

Enchanted Ramblings - Review of Mr. Grey and the Hotel Ghosts by Autiotalo.

"An unusual and original plot, beautifully written with considerable skill and charm."

Six Magical Wands awarded!

To read the rest of the review, click the link!

Sunday, June 25, 2006


DO YOU KNOW...the difference between margarine and butter? Read on to the end...gets very interesting!

Both have the same amount of calories. Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5 grams.

Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.

Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods.

Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few only because they are added!

Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods.

Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years.

And now, for Margarine...

Very high in trans-fatty acids... Triple risk of coronary heart disease.

Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol). Lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol) ....

Increases the risk of cancers by up to five fold... Lowers quality of breast milk... Decreases immune response... Decreases insulin response.

And here is the most disturbing fact.... HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY INTERESTING! Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC...

This fact alone was enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance).

YOU can try this yourself: purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or shaded area. Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things: no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something) . It does not rot or smell differently. Because it has no nutritional value, nothing will grow on it, even those teeny weeny microorganisms will not a find a home to grow. Why? Because it is nearly plastic. Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?

Share This With Your Friends.....(Butter them up!)

Thursday, June 22, 2006


1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He didn't break into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Modern Times...

Some modern office jargon and their definitions =)

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMS: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example or any thing having to do with Michael Jackson. Add any reality show such as Wife Swap, Super Nanny, etc.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Also known as the School of the Bigger Hammer.

14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email, by mistake)

18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks. (Love this one!)

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

20. VOLUNTOLD: When your supervisor or someone above that person asks you to do something while making it very clear your answer must be "yes."

Monday, June 19, 2006

Good Girls/Bad Girls-- A man's response…

Good girls would never be arrested

Bad Girls own their own handcuffs.

Good girls mind their manners and say "Please, come with me."

Bad Girls mind their manners and say "Please, cum in me!"

Good girls own at least one leather belt

Bad girls own at least one leather whip

Good girls pull their hair back to keep it out of their face while out with friends

Bad girls have someone else pull their hair back to keep it out of their face while puking

Good girls rarely drink

Bad girls always swallow

Good girls can be won over with chocolate in a box

Bad girls will win you over with chocolate on their bodies

Good girls wait until marriage for sex

Bad girls wait until they know your name.... usually

Good girls want a house in the suburbs with 2.3 kids and a dog

Bad girls get those after stealing the good girl's husband.

Good girls get pregnant

Bad girls get knocked up

Good girls have mirrors in their bathroom for make up

Bad girls have mirrors on their bedroom ceilings...

Sunday, June 18, 2006

...And some more.

"I need some space" = Without you in it.

"It's not the size that counts." = Wow! I didn't know they made them that small.

"I just like big cars." = I have an incredibly small penis

"I could never want anyone else but you." = I've given up hope of ever finding anything better

"I'm a social drinker." = One drink and I'm singing Boogie Shoes on top of a table

"I love when you look into my eyes when we're making love." = Dude, you're creeping me out!

"Sure honey, I'd love to have a threesome" = Our third can be my divorce lawyer

"So, how was your day?" = I've run out anything interesting to read to pass the time until I can ask you for sex.

"Yups, it's a real diamond." = So shut up already!

"We have an understanding." = We understand enough to not talk to each other

"Do you think you wanna have kids someday?" = Cuz you got one coming in about 8 months

"Let's get married!" = Muhahahahaha, now I have you in my clutches!

"Have fun at your bachelor party!" = Better enjoy the tits you see cuz they're gonna be the last ones you see for a long time.

"Oooh, that sounds like a great way to spice up our sex life." = Not on your life!

"What time is it?" = Gods you're boring!

"I have an early morning." = Of getting the hell away from you as fast as I can.

"It's not you, it's me." = It's YOU!

Have a nice day!

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Sexual Translations

Ever wonder what your partner is really saying? Here is what they say, and what it really means:

Did you come? == Because I didn't.

I have something to tell you. == Get tested.

I'm a Romantic. == I'm poor.

I'll give you a call. == I'd rather have my nipples eaten off by wild dogs than see you again.

Trust me. == I'm cheating on you.

I love you. == You're a good lay.

I think we should just be friends. == You're ugly.

Haven't I seen you before? == Nice ass.

I want to make love to you. == Let's fuck.

Was it good for you? == I'm insecure about my manhood.

We need to talk. == I'm pregnant.

I had a wonderful time last night. == Who the hell are you?

I've been thinking a lot. == You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.

I've learned a lot from you. == Next!

I want a commitment. == I'm sick of my dildo.

I think we should see other people. == I have been seeing other people.

Let's get married. == Now can we fuck?

We don't have to do anything until you are ready. == Put out or get out.

I feel it's time to express our love for each other. == Give me head.

I still think about you. == I miss the sex.

Is there something wrong? == Is it supposed to be this soft?

You're so mature. == I hope you're eighteen.

Yes...Yes...YESSS "scream!" == Aren't you done yet..?

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Everyday thoughts...

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I have stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"-

20. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

21. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

22. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

23. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

24. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

25. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

26. My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that's what he said).

27. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

28. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

29. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!

30. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

31. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when he Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier".

Have A Happy Day!

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Today's Subject: Orgasms!

Sex in a boat -- oar-gasms.

Sex with a nerd -- dork-gasms.

Sex at the entrance to your house -- door-gasms.

Sex on carpet or linoleum -- floor-gasms.

Sex at the supermarket -- store-gasms.

Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms.

Sex with a prostitute -- whore-gasms.

Sex with an accountant -- bore-gasms.

Sex while sleeping -- snore-gasms.

Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms.

Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eyeore-gasms.

Sex while broke -- poor-gasms.

Sex with a lion -- roar-gasms.

Sex for hours and hours on end -- sore-gasms.

Sex on a golf course -- fore-gasms.

Sex with a nymphomaniac (or Ritzi) -- more-gasms.

Sex in a gold mine -- ore-gasms.

Sex with a dermatologist -- pore-gasms.

Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.

Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers - s'more-gasms.

Sex with a bullfighter -- toreador-gasms.

Sex with a masked man carrying a sword -- zorro-gasms.

Sex on the beach -- shore-gasms.

Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet -- smorgasbord-gasms.

Sex on a cruise ship deck -- shuffleboard-gasms.

Sex in Asia - Singapore-gasms.

Sex among the wonders of nature -- outdoor-gasms.

Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can -- odor-gasms.

Sex on the way to the train -- 'All Aboard'-gasms.

Sex that wasn't very satisfying -- 'There's the door'-gasms.

Sex in an adult theater -- hard-core-gasms.

Sex with someone who's not paying attention -- ignore-gasms.

Sex with a competitive partner -- score-gasms.

Sex while flying -- soar-gasms.

Sex with a beloved partner -- adore-gasms.

Sex with a meat-eater -- carnivore-gasms.

Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo -- pompadore-gasms.

Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes -- velour-gasms.

Sex while traveling -- tour-gasms.

Sex with a big dog - labrador-gasms.

Sex with Beavis and Butthead - 'GonnaScore'-gasms.

Sex on stairs at the mall -- escalator-gasms.

Sex with three of your friends -- four-gasms.

Sex with a Norse God - Thor-gasms.

Sex when resistance is futile - Borg-gasms

Monday, June 12, 2006

New Definitions.

Airplane Blonde - One with bleached hair who still has a black box

Aussie Kiss - Like a French kiss, but downunder

Beaver Leaver - Homosexual male

BOBFOC - Body off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch

Bunny-Boiler - An unhinged and overly-possessive woman, from the rabbit boiling scene in "Fatal Attraction"

Crappuccino - A particularly frothy type of diarrhea

Drink-Link - An ATM, commonly visited prior to going out for a few

Frigamarole - Unnecessary and tome-consuming foreplay

Greyhound- A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare

Mumbler - An attractive female in tight jeans, shorts, etc. You can see the 'lips' moving, but can't quite make out what they are saying

One in the Departure Lounge - the need to take a crap immediately

Salad Dodger - A phrase for an overweight person

Swamp Donkey - A deeply unattractive woman

Titanic - A woman who goes down the first time out...

Sunday, June 11, 2006

You couldn't make it up - II

A teenage boy in China was saved by police at the last minute as he tried to stop an express train with a kung-fu kick...

The local council of a suburb in Sydney, Australia, recently announced plans to drive away hooligans by playing Barry Manilow records at them...

Also in Australia. Local Councils in Queensland are demanding a ban on authorized brothels near cemeteries because they believe "the two don't mix..."

Berlin, Germany. The city's sparkling new $850 million railroad station is the biggest in Europe and caters for 30,000 travelers a day. The trouble is, it only has one public washroom...

Bring on the clowns... Kuala Lumpur, Indionesia. Public washrooms are to undergo a total facelift with urinals shaped like musical instruments, clowns' faces and open mouth with painted lips...

A zoo in Belarus reports a near constant queue for its psychological stress relief room where those in need can have a ten-minute session on a couch talking to monkeys...


Saturday, June 10, 2006

Who Cares About Soccer? - A Rant!

Who cares about soccer? Not me! I just can't figure it out. The Soccer World Cup started yesterday in Germany, and the entire English nation seems to be flying the flag of St. George - except me. Cars have small flagpoles flying the thing; people have draped their houses with bunting and fly the flag from makeshift flagpoles; I've seen people with the red cross on white painted on their faces and cheeks - all for the sake of supporting 11 overpaid and cosseted "stars" in the arduous process of kicking a bladder of wind up and down a field for 90 minutes or so. Turn on the TV (pick a channel, any channel...) and you'll find televised soccer. The news comes on and you can guarantee there'll be at least half the program taken up with the latest exploits on the pitch.

I don't CARE!!! There're far more important things going on in this world and soccer doesn't matter a damn!

There are hundreds of thousands of people in this country who have no interest in the sport, who just have to hunker down and try to ignore a whole month of this s-h- one - t. If you're a guy who doesn't take an interest in the "glorious game" then you're considered very odd, if not gay. I'm neither. By pure coincidence I'll be in the USA for the last two weeks of the whole sorry mess, and I'll not miss it one bit!

Normal service will now be resumed on your now officially designated soccer-free zone!

Friday, June 09, 2006

Hello..? Testing...

Ah! Everything seems to be working on here again. Just dropping by to announce I'm Blogging over at the Liquid Silver Blogspot today! Your intrepid reporter Silver collared me and pinned me down until I gave her the interview she was looking for. C'mon over and see what I said, and drool at April Martinez' cover art for my new book, Mr. Grey and the Spirit from the Sky...

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Mr. Grey and the Spirit from the Sky
~ Cover art by April Martinez ~
Here's the cover to my new novel! Once again April has achieved exactly the effect I was looking for.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Brains of Britain - not!

You couldn't make it up... Some answers given on UK TV quiz shows.


Quiz master: "Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court."

Contestant: "Lepers..."

Quiz master: "We're looking for an occupation beginning with T."

Contestant: "Doctor."

Quiz master: "Er, no. It's T for Tommy, T for Tango."

Contestant: "Oh, right. Doctor!"

Quiz master: "For £10, what nationality is the Pope?"

Contestant: "I think I know this one! Is it Jewish?"
Quiz master: "What happened in Dallas on November 22nd 1963?"

Contestant: "I don't know, I wasn't watching it then."
Quiz master: "Which American actor was married to Nicole Kidman?"
Contestant: "Forrest Gump..."